"...whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."
- Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata"
Many of the things I want to talk
about the next few weeks in my blog are stories of events and moments that
touched me during my SSLP. The Summer Service Learning Program at ND, for those
who don't know, is an 8-week service internship program that is coordinated
through the different clubs of Notre Dame. I was blessed enough to spend 8
weeks in beautiful Southern California at Casa Teresa, a home for pregnant
women. Before I delve into some of the life-changing experiences that I was
blessed enough to take part in at Casa and what these experiences have revealed
to me about God and myself, I think it's appropriate to talk about how I got
here.
From
the moment I set foot on campus last August, I was stressed out about this
summer. After spending the entire three months working at Panera, slicing up
bagels and serving smoothies here in St. Louis, I felt a little pressured
hearing some of my classmates talk about some of the life-changing experiences
they experienced both across the country and even the world. Being somewhat
impatient and having an extreme dislike of things being unresolved, I wanted to
get ahead of the upcoming summer so that I, too, could have a summer that
really made an impact. So a few weeks in, when I began seeing flyers and
hearing from dormmates about a Christ-centered week-long experience for high
schoolers held at Notre Dame that was in need of small group mentors, I eagerly
made my way to the info meeting. After hearing testimonies of lives changed,
imagining a summer spent at my favorite place on earth, seeing many friends
there who were also interested, calculating just how much I'd make and figuring
out I'd still have lots of extra time to visit my grandparents and cousins and
even lounge at the pool, I eagerly signed up for an interview and called my mom
walking back, telling her how I found "the absolute perfect thing for me
to do that summer" and would stop worrying this instant.
Fast
forward one completed application, a seemingly-successful interview, two
acceptance letters for two of my best friends, and finally one rejection letter
landing in my inbox on a blustery day at home for fall break. I was so confused
and angry. Why wouldn't I get this? I was so excited... it seemed so perfect
for me. Was God not aware of my plans? If so, then why was he thwarting them?
Here I had gone and found the perfect opportunity for me- didn't he want me to
have it?
Many of
these questions about the future brought me back to a quote from a poem that a
good friend once told me to help calm some of my freshman homesickness and
fear. She told me to take a deep breath and try to put my faith into the fact
that God has a plan and "the universe is unfolding as it should." This quote has
stuck with me since that day early freshmen year, and I reflected back on it as
I cried that I wouldn't be a part of this program. I wrote in my journal that night
"If I profess that I believe everything is unfolding as it should, I need
to live it. That means accepting that I didn't get this opportunity even though
I thought it would be perfect;
apparently God wanted me elsewhere". From that moment on I swore that I
wouldn't stop trying to find something that inspired me for this summer, but I
would stop trying to control the summer, and instead give it up. I swore that
night that I would do just that- give up control with the firm belief that
"whatever God has in store for me isn't a back-up plan, it's what I was
meant to do from the beginning".
For
months I tried my hardest to depend on this trust, even though it was
challenging sometimes to watch my friends attend meetings and groups while I
still was in dark about my plans. As I looked back on this journal entry the other
day after I'd returned home from CA, it made me smile because I fully credit my
life-changing summer experience at Casa to this one choice to trust in God's
plan for me. Now as I look back on my time at Casa as one that was so beautiful
and so perfect that it could not have been planned by anyone other than God
HImself, my trust is even more strengthened. Starting my junior year, with no
clear idea of what I want to do with my life, or even after graduation, I will
take this example with me and bring it forth every time I am skipped over for
that "perfect job", miss the deadline for that "perfect
internship" or am crying over what surely was the "perfect
boyfriend". Because if I have to
choose between my chaotic attempt to plan out my entire life or the beautiful
life God has planned for me, I'm pretty sure I know which I choose.
